Liminal confusion

Who am I?

I am at a threshold.

I have shed the old, but have not fully landed in the new.

I’m somewhere in between and it feels really uncomfortable. I feel like my new self doesn’t quite fit into this body yet. It’s heavy, slow, achey.. it doesn’t fit.

I painted this after I birthed my second child in 2018. I had a similar feeling then of being lost.. floating in between two realms. I couldn’t quite grasp what had just happened. I felt a bit stuck in between two states needing time to process and assimilate the profound experience I had just had. I wasn’t ready to be thrown into the next part of the process, can we take a moment please people!

I read somewhere that this liminal space is sacred, it’s a chance to pause before you start the next chapter. Not sure about you, but I’ve have always assumed that sacred would feel good, magical, glorious.. um no. It sucks, and I feel lost and unsure of who I am and what I am meant to be doing with this life. That reminds me of the ignorant perception I had that my first birth was going to be spiritual, transformational and I was going to love it.

Was it spiritual? yes

Was it transformational? yes

In the most harrowing, traumatic and surprising way haha.

Initiation sounds so mystical and dreamy, but it is hardcore! It IS absolutely dreamy, and by dreamy I mean I feel lost and disconnected from reality. I am grasping at straws to make sense of this unrecognisable world I find myself floating in. It can feel a bit nightmarish a lot of the time.

It is rather strange but it has this deeply profound beauty to it, like a knowing that this is the good stuff. This is the dirty, real, raw and necessary part of life that means you’re doing something worthwhile. Ironically I have fleeting moments when I remember that I HAVE been here before. I have crossed many a threshold. I do know how. Sadly that recollection is a slippery one that slides away as quickly as it arrived. Awesome.

So.. whilst I am in this bizarre space I shall send smoke signals out to the world as a sign of life. If you are in your own liminal space send a smoke signal back! I am hoping (and pretty sure) that there are more of us out here in the land of in between than we realize.

If you’d like to support me but not necessarily sure how, I have joined the amazing world of buy me a coffee.